Annual Rambling Post

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I swear I only post once a year, what kind of blog am I running here? Geez. Well here is my post for 2016, I could say that I will do better but who knows if I actually will or not. It is something I am trying to improve on still. I have a hard time finding time to do the things I like and when I do have free time I usually spend it doing other things. Time management is something I need to work at, school, work, kids… it can be hard to balance it all out. I need more self disciplone when it comes to managing my time. Oh well. I’ll just try to do one thing better a day and maybe it will work out.

So anyways, this isn’t a post to declare any sort of new years resolution. I didn’t even accomplish anything that was in my last post about things I wanted to do in 2015. But I did go back to school. That might have been on my list, although it has been an adjustment. The school hasn’t been very helpful, and it seems like every time I get ahead, something happens that sets me back. I’ll get there though. I have to. I have to finish and I have to show Ally and Leo that it can be done no matter what the circustances. I may not be able to give them the life I originally wanted for them but I can still instil the need for a good education in them. I have many doubts about myself as a parent on a regular basis but I know that I am not wrong on this one.

Mainly the reason for this scattered post is just to write agian, in any form. I have slacked off quite a bit this last year and I know I can do better. I find it relaxing to write for fun. Writing for class was okay but there was pressure to make the grade, to have a format and be confined to a specific topic,  writing here is a little more free and I can do it in any form I see fit.

I need to do some major changes on my entire blog. The about me page is gone so that I can rewrite it. My life isn’t what it was when I started this blog. Many things are different. If they are for the better, that has yet to be seen. But many times you cannot go back. You must always move forward. Does life have a plan for me? Or am I in complete control? Are the choices I have made and that I continue to make the right ones for me and the kids? I surely hope so. I am in constant turmoil about it and  hope that they turn out alright despite the life they will be brought up in. I hope they know that both of their parents love them even though we aren’t the family unit we started out as.

Well it is late and my rambling is just that, rambling. I have a few ideas for actual posts but let’s see if I can sit still long enough to actually write them.

Until next time.

Always Changing

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I once wept for what I thought I had lost, now I smile for what I know I have gained. – Me

Some people never change. I’m not one of them. I have changed a lot over the last few months. Changes for the better. I know I post about all my changes all the time, and it’s true each time. Each time I seem to grow and change, like a butterfly who just broke free from her cocoon. I probably still have more changes to make. I know I do. But one thing I do know is that I will not shed any more tears for a lost cause. So many feelings running through me all the time. I really should take up mediation and some yoga. I think I would benefit a lot from that. Will I ever find the time? Maybe, but will I use that free time for it? Probably not. So many things I want to do and so little time. If I could forego sleep forever, that would be great. Or they could make the days longer than 24 hours, that would also be acceptable.

Things I would like to do in 2015 (in no particular order):

  • Learn Spanish
  • Learn to play the piano
  • Be able to run at least one mile without stopping
  • Do 50 push ups in one sitting
  • Do 50 sit ups in one sitting
  • Do 10 chin ups
  • Learn to code
  • Get another tattoo that I designed (just the idea, I can’t draw to save my life lol)
  • Repair my credit
  • Get a newer car
  • Remodel the kitchen
  • Replace the carpet in my house with hard floors
  • Update my wardrobe
  • Get down to 125
  • Learn ASL

I’m sure there are more things I would like to do but this is just what comes to mind right this second. I know it is unrealistic to think I will get to all of these in 2015, but I have my list and will start crossing things off one at a time until I am finished. Either way I will be a better version of me if I could even complete just one. Got to keep moving forward and being the best me I can be.

Random rambling is done for now. Adios!

A Change in the Winds

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I won’t lie. Things have been feeling pretty dark lately. Not even sure why. Ok, that is a lie. I have a pretty good idea of why I’ve been so angry and frustrated lately. Jealousy. Not the typical jealous spouse type, just green with envy, jealousy. I see the ambition my husband has and I wish I had it too. Sad thing is that I used to have it. I used to be a different person. Then I had kids and settled down, but not in a good way. I’m not blaming my kids, I have no one to blame but myself. I let myself become lazy and started using excuses for everything.

No more excuses.

No more negative feelings.

I have so many things to be thankful for. And yet, all I can do is see the negative. I’m pretty sure I’ve always been that way. But as I am laying here in bed, I suddenly feel this rush and everything changes. I wish u knew what triggered it. I just feel so thankful. So grateful. So happy. Which is weird for me. I haven’t been content and happy in a while. I love my family more than anything. Love isn’t happiness though. Putting on a facade of happiness is exhausting. It really and truly is. Now I’m not saying I don’t have happy moments, I have plenty of moments that I am smiling and playing with my kids. I just haven’t felt peaceful. I feel it right now though. Total peace. A feeling that tells me everything is going to be fine. A feeling that tells me I do have the power to be a great mother and wife. Maybe even a great friend again.

I have this urge to reach out and make someone else this happy. I wonder if this is how my husband feels when he is doing his health coach thing? I feel like when I wake up tomorrow, I want to take the world by storm. I want to go out with the kids and make someone’s day better. My heart swells just thinking about it. This must be what it feels like to be positive. I’ve been wondering what everyone means when they says “be positive”. Don’t get me wrong, I am not hateful and bitter. I just tend to dwell on things I can’t change. I get overwhelmed and I let that bring me down. Social media can do that to you from time to time. Not anymore though. I refuse to let that happen. I will grab ahold of this positive energy that has hit me like a ton of bricks, and I won’t let go.

I don’t know what I will do when I wake up, but my plan is to just make some sort of impact on someone’s life. Whether it be a wave and kind smile to stranger or a simple high five to a kid. I just know that I want to do something to spread the love around. To help lift someone up when they are down. I can do this.

Sam is a SAHM? This Will Be Interesting

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Well, today is the day. My last day of work. Starting tomorrow I will officially be a stay at home mom. I’m excited… mostly. I won’t even lie, I am a little nervous about this. I am thrilled that I will be able to spend more time with Ally and that I will be able to cook and clean more than before, but I am terrified about not having my own income anymore. I know, I’m married and that means there is no “his money/her money” thing, I just liked the freedom to splurge whenever I felt like it. Oh well, I am sure I will get used to it and I am positive things will be ok. If I stay positive, then good things will happen for us. I just know it. I have to look at the bright side and be thankful for everything I have.

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Good Bye Sickness, Hello Update Post

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Oh my good gawd! Hump day is finally upon us. Ok, I don’t really care that it is Wednesday, I am just happy to be passed the weekend and the sickness that took a huge toll on my already huge pregnant body. Food poisoning in not fun folks, and it is insanely more miserable when you are pregnant. You try to get an almost seven month pregnant lady to not eat her favorite foods and see how that goes. I’ll save you the suspense, not well. I wasn’t able to eat for two days. Two days! That is an eternity! But luckily for me I had the most helpful little two-year old to keep me company, and by helpful I mean needy, clingy and wanting to pretend mommy was a jungle gym. Thanks Ally. I mean it’s not like daddy wasn’t here for her, but noooo she wanted to be all over mommy while mommy just wanted to sleep and make the pain go away.

Ah well, such is the life of a parent, which is about to get a whole lot more fun in a few months. (Read: a whole lot more busy, complicated, and frustrating). Not sure if I had updated with the latest news about the bun in the oven, but we had the sonogram and discovered we will be completing our set. It’s a boy! Whoo hoo! One of each to drive me crazy with different problems as they get older. Awesome. But seriously, I am excited and Mykal is through the roof about it. Now comes the hard part: the name. For some people it is super easy and they just know it right away. Yeah… I’m not one of those people. I am an over thinker who has to have everything perfect and so of course I am going through a long list of names debating whether or not they will cause ridicule or whether or not I will have to hear it from family about the name we choose. Though I am getting over that part pretty quickly. Taking on a more none caring attitude with what family thinks, because they will always have an opinion that differs from mine anyway, so why should I care? Just a waste of time and effort to worry.

I do still have my fears about being able to handle two kids, but I am trying to have faith in myself and remember that I am the best parent I can be and I will love my children and make sure they know that on a daily basis.

While some might think I am a little late for this, we have started trying to potty train Ally. I haven’t been able to put as much effort in it as I would like to, but that is going to change come the beginning of September. I will be taking my leave from work and will be able to spend days in a row working with her, helping her, and encouraging her to use the potty and be a big girl in big girl undies. I would love to cheer for no more diapers, but seeing as we are due November 3rd, we can expect to be in diapers for another two years (give or take).

In my last bit of updated news, I have decided I will be going back to school as soon as little man gets here. A few people in my life think I’m wasting time waiting, but honestly between work, pregnancy, and Ally, I just don’t think I will be able to give it my all until the baby arrives and I get a some of my energy and regularity back. I’ve waited this long, a few more months isn’t going to hurt anything. I’ll be doing online courses so that I won’t have to worry about gas or a sitter or anything like that. I have a school in mind and course in mind and will be doing some research to make sure it will be a good fit for me. I am excited. It may take a few years, but I am hoping that by the time I am done, I will be able to contribute something in the financial department.

Well I guess that is all for today. I plan to do some updating to my blog over the next week or two, so bear with me and expect a little more of my home life to fill these interweb pages. I will occasionally write about a little gaming here and there, but if you want to read any of that, I would suggest finding me at The Married Gamers .

Thanks for reading.

Instagram: Making Me Doubt Myself on a Regular Basis

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Sometimes I think joining instagram was one if the worst things I could have done. Not because of the drama, I haven’t had that issue with it. But because of all the parents I have on my account. I’m not saying they are bad people or parents, quite the opposite actually. Many of them have a kid or two around Allys age and it seems like every time I login and see what some of my favorite people are up to, they are doing all sorts of creative things and their kid looks like a freaking genius. Which only makes me feel like a terrible mother because either we don’t do those things or Ally isn’t to that point yet, which would, again, be my fault.

I know everyone has different parenting styles and you are not supposed to compare you or your kid to others, but that is easier said than done. I see plenty of parents who do all organic and never let their kid eat junk food and here I am getting Ally a happy meal because she said she wanted fries and nuggets. I see their kids have a wide variety of things they will eat and I’m rotating around 5 meals every time we eat. Ally is picky, which she probably gets from me, so there we see again that I am at fault for her nutrition.

I see many parents try to limit their kids TV time and here me and Ally sit for a good chunk of the day watching movies and bouncing from Nick Jr to Disney Jr. I just feel like Ally is learning from things like Team Umizoomi and Dora. And she is, Ally knows a lot of shapes and even counted to eight in Spanish a couple weeks ago. But I feel like maybe I am also hindering her development somehow. I was an only child so kids confuse me sometimes. And I watched TV all the time as a kid, I still ended up on honor roll more times than not. I could have been in advanced classes had I not let boys get in the way. I just worry I’m not helping her learn to her fullest abilities.

I also see many of them have either already potty trained their kid or are currently working on it. We have not and I know we should have by now. The idea of potty training seems like a 3D jigsaw puzzle, entirely too hard. I see people making charts to help and can’t help but think “Ally won’t understand that chart, she will just want to play with the stickers.” Maybe I’m not giving her enough credit but like I said, I just feel like I’m not showing her the things she needs to know and when I see all these other parents showing their perfect children and their perfect lives, it makes me feel like crap.

I have considered the fact that they only show the good stuff going on in their lives to put on a facade of perfect health and learning, but it still doesn’t help me feel any better. I try not to spend too much time on instagram so that I don’t have to feel inferior, and sometimes I want to delete it entirely, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Too many memories and pictures I want to keep. I guess all I can do is keep trying to be the best mom I can be and not let others be the deciding factor in my mothering abilities.

The Fears of Having a Second Kid

Posted in Family, Life, Mommyhood by

So its been a while since I’ve last blogged and a few things have had me pretty busy. We moved from a rent house to an apartment to save money and then bam, I get pregnant. I’m not surprised though considering we were kind of trying. But anyways Ally is about to turn two this month and I’m four months along in my pregnancy.

I’m excited that we will be adding to our family, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I’m terrified right now. Just so many worries. I am an only child from a divorced home, I’ve never know what it was like to have siblings or watch as my parents loved more than just me. I have this horrible fear that I won’t be able to love two children equally. When Ally came into my life I was shown a whole new kind of love and attachment, how can that happen more than once? Will I be biased and favor one child over the other? I don’t want that to be the case, at all. I’m worried Ally will feel left out or pushed aside with a new baby.

How can I do this? How do I know I will be able to be a good mom to two kids? How can I lead two children and raise them to be productive members of society? I’m just lucky that I have my husband to help me. He has siblings and is great with kids, we are total opposites that way. Without him, I would be lost. But even knowing he will be there, I am still scared. I need to be strong and I need to remember that I will fail from time to time and as long as I learn from my mistakes I should be fine. Its just hard. I know Mykal can handle the bills and will take care of us. I know he would be a better stay at home parent than I will be, I’m not afraid to admit that, ashamed? Yes. But I will admit it none the less. The things I do know isn’t an issue though. Its the things I don’t. Its the unknown, those are the things that keep me up at night.

But maybe getting some of those things out of my head will give me a little peace and allow me to get the sleep I need. I’m going to try and sleep right now. Wish me luck.

Good night.

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I don’t think I could have said it any better myself. It’s like she is echoing my thoughts exactly.

krysti pryde's avatarKrysti Pryde: X-Ray Vision

I usually stray away from blogging about sensitive content that may offend people. I would never want to offend any of you, and always try to keep my blogs fun, light, personal and informative. I decided tonight to make a slight change and blog about a relatively unpopular opinion. Now please, before I begin, let it be known I value and appreciate other people’s opinions. I am open-minded and friendly in all my debates, and I do not want anyone to read this and feel I am being patronizing. I write on the subject hoping it will be regarded as an open forum and would love to hear all your opinions on this.

I’m sure by now everyone has heard of the events regarding the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting. The news of this shook me to my core. It’s always a huge loss for humanity when events like…

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If this was real, I’d watch it. 🙂

Sean Ian Mills's avatarHenchman-4-Hire

Apparently this was made by Oliver Nolan, son of actual Batman director Christopher Nolan. And if that’s the case, then hats off to everybody involved. This was good, real good. Why don’t we have a real show or move like this?

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Am I A Writer Now? No, Not Yet.

Posted in Gaming, Geekery by

So it seems that I haven’t posted in like two months. Holy crap! Sorry about that, I guess I’ve been busier than I thought. I’ve just started writing for The Married Gamers and it seems to be going well. I recently just reviewed Assassin’s Cree III: Liberation and I am pretty pleased with it. I hope that the more I continue to write, the better I will become. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a writer and I feel like this could be my chance, so any support from those who read my blog, would be much appreciated. ❤ But I don’t want to call myself a writer just yet, writing a couple posts and saying “I’m a writer now” just feels wrong. That’s like taking a couple of cooking classes and then calling yourself a chef. It’ll take some time, but I truly hope to become a real writer someday.

My Assassin’s Creed III: Liberation Review

And here is just a link to all of my posts I’ve done on their site.

I’ll make a real blog post again very soon, but you can always find me on Twitter (@Pwncess074) to see me ramble about things. Thanks for reading.